need another drink. this is the easiest way
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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