you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
