i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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