I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
