i think my tv is drunk
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
