made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
