Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
