You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
