I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
