he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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