he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
