she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
