Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We don't watch enough power rangers
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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