Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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