It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
