So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
