I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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