Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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