you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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