I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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