just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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