be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
