I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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