1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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