guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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