I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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