you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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