WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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