i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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