My underwear smells like fireworks.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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