i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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