hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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