i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
