i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
