he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
