I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
