I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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