just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
