I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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