All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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