Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
