Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
