talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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