i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
