Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
