The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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