Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
