shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
