She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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