my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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